I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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