i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
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Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism