Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day