After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room