hotel room ftw
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
