I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
