Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
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Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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