you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
