So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Randomize
