my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
