I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
