i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
