i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
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I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
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The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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