the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
