drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
