we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
