I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
