First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
