After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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