i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I think my vagina is haunted
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.