Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie