Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
