she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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