you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
