Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
