If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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