I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
