dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I AM VODKA MAN
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
