You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
