tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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