My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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