Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We had to coat check the pizza.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
