I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Vodka?
Forever.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
