I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
