I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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