Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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