capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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