Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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