After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
