Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Did you just see the Batmobile???
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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