The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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