if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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