Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
