They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
