hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have already put on my inside pants.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
