did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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