My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
