What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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