nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
