im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
