shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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