you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
