my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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