I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
