You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
