Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
