I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
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"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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