In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You ruined the universe
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
