it's too hot outside to masturbate.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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