are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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