im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
