he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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