Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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